Epilog Pejuang

   i never thought even a broken friendship could be so painful. when years of friendship gets destroyed in an instant, in just a few words, because of ego, selfishness and self-centered mind. when years of friendship turns to be worthless and not appreciated. when years of friendship gets responded with a sarcastic insult. if there's a chance to let things out and talk about it, i think i would. but now, it's just too painful that i don't want to talk about it. i'm just not ready because i know with you - you will want to win and be right about what you think, and everything else does not matter. not even friendship matters. because that was how you previously treat other people in your life. and now it's me.

22nd June 2020 I was breaking and nearly stopped functioning. I was trembling and my heart was beating so fast. Breathless and panicking. I knew something was not right in me. And this was not the first time in the past few months. I grabbed all purple and pink essential oils on my rack - Lavender, Harmony, Release, Transformation, Motivation, Grounding, Joy. Tonyoh dan deep inhale semua. I desperately needed to get out of this situation. I needed different environment. But I couldn't go far. In fact, I have nowhere to go. So I drove to a nearby coffee shop and sat there for many many hours. Suddenly, I finally gathered up the courage to get more help. Called a doctor friend and went to get a a referral letter to get 'treatment'. 15th July 2020... Diagnosed with MDD - Major Depressive Disorder. While I acknowledge this sh*t, I am not proud of it. Macam jadi trend pulak anak-anak muda zaman sekarang jadi stress. While I wish people around me know what I am going through ...

today someone bluntly accused me. i really feel like slapping her face (good thing she was not in front of me), but alhamdulillah my first words were spoken with some friendly intonations. for the next three hours, i had to use all my energy to calm down.. earlier in the morning, i nearly got furious with some people who seemed to be very laid back in carrying out tasks. you know, like, when you give out some tasks n expect it to be done, or if not at least report back as soon as possible that some tasks were not carried out - for whatever reason.. with "ok ok takpe" i put down the phone n clenched my fists. for the next hour, i just feel like finding everyone's flaws. i'm exhausted. really exhausted. mentally, emotionally, and especially physically. i'm certainly not blaming this Ramadhan for not being able to eat, but i just know that i'm simply not physically fit. i really don't know what to do. eating right - and do what newlife teaches me - is...

Izanagi - and the loop repeats itself... how i just wish all this headache that's been bugging my life since i was 11, is all part of Itachi's izanagi and it's nothing but a genjutsu - illusion

fuh. dah lama tak rasa marah sampai menggigil tangan kaki rasa nak sepak terajang orang. apa lagi hati yg membara. pagi tadi saya terlanggar kereta orang. tak kemek pun. calar ciput aje, sebelah belakang kanan. tapi mamat tu marah-marah apasal orang suka langgar keter dia. memang bumper belakang dia berbekas langgar few places & plate no dah pecah sikit. ada event punya pasal, saya bagi phone no kat orang tu. *silap saya lah, tp mmg takde choice sbb takde duit langsung dlm purse* as expected, mamat tu sms, kata nak cat bumper dia. pergh. saya rasa calar tu polish aje pun dah ok kot. tak boleh, cat dah tercabut. saya tak suka tipu orang, pasal hal kecil susah saya nak menjawab di hari kemudian. macam tu encik cat the whole bumper, sy bayar separuh. pastu mula la songeh dia sana sini, questioning my integrity for not wanting to take responsibility after hitting his car. come on, i will pay for my mistake. but my mistake does not even contribute 50% to how his bumper i...

i still have no idea how mothers juggle work and house chores. many told me, learn from your mom. but for some silent reasons, that just doesn't work!

23rd July 2011 I was down and depressed, exhausted and wondering --- How in the world could I possibly be a good mother??? I was not talking about being a GREAT mom, but simply a GOOD mom. And Allah had answered my question immediately. Ikram is now over 1 year and 3 months old, and I still have the feeling of not being able to adjust my whole life to become a mother to a child. To give the fullest and not to expect getting something in return is really difficult. Every day I wonder if I am giving my child all the attention he needs, or am I pampering him and spoiling him too much? I wonder if I should do all the daily chores with him - feeding, bathing, etc - or is it okay to let the maid help out with that from time to time? After a week of high fever (not including fever during the previous week and the week before) and what sounds like a very bad cough, Mujahid and I decided to bring Ikram to the hospital. It was midnight. We went to get a referral from a clinic nearby ou...

it's been nearly two months since my last post.. sekarang nak menulis, tapi tgh tak tau nak start dari mana.. mungkin sebab dah lama sangat tak menulis kat blog ni sampai berkarat sikit idea nye.. huhu.. so let's start with my latest family picture.. taken on the recent Eid-ul-Adha at 'rumah besar' as referred by Nabil. oh its so cute Nabil refers to Tok Ummi's house - the house he lives in - as 'rumah besar'. his parents bedroom is 'rumah Nabil', the house i'm living in is 'rumah Ikram', and so on.. he can even differentiate between Muja's Myvi and Kholah Tikki's Myvi although both are silver in colour. and he knows if the turqoise Hyundai Getz he sees on the road is not his mother's. such a brilliant boy, subhanallah! Ammar is the second grandson of the huge family. he's also super-duper cute and clever. he's a huge fan of Tok Abah's iPad and calls it 'pad'. one day he was at his other grandfather's h...

friday - decision science midterm - multimedia lab project submission saturday - software engineering project presentation monday - ?? tuesday - data structure lab project submission - ece lab project presentation wednesday - ce big assignment submission - ce big quiz - vlsi quiz of course, with the above-mentioned activities, i could not fly to Beirut even if i really really want to =( even if i could postpone everything to a later date, i wouldn't choose to do that especially when i cannot predict migraine attacks

53 hours and right now i'm taking caffeine, hoping it'll give me few good hours for me to finish my mini project for software engineering which is to be submitted tomorrow! luckily this time panadol helped prevent the pain from increasing for a couple of hours, but i dare not take more than 2 tablets. last night i did ' bekam ' when i complaint to my mother-in-law about feeling numb at the left side of my face, good that the numbness disappear immediately as blood was pumped towards the my temple. but the headache remains.. sometimes i just wonder when will this end, or reduce- time and pain-wise, or at least when can be as strong as my hubby when he gets his asthma attack. i can only cry when i can't handle it anymore. several times these few days. i didn't go for my midterm exam for 0.5 credit hour TaeKwon-Do skill class on Friday. it's my only chance of proving to the trainer that i, who practiced TaeKwon-Do since i was 11, don't deserve a B- or worse...

Ramadhan is almost over. How did YOU do? Find out using this scale --> click HERE I got this: You have lost many blessings ! May Allah grant you a long life to make up for it ! wuu.. i can't help but cry.. nobody knows except Him if I will live - and in the state of iman - until next Ramadhan.. I HAVE LOST MANY BLESSINGS... where was I for the past 28 days... i just attended a funeral this morning.. my best buddy Anisah's grandma passed away last night.. T__T a great reminder for me indeed.. will i be blessed enough with a long life so that i can pray and worship Him more.. but i fear that living longer will draw me away from Him each day.. Ya Allah.. You know what is the best for me and for those around me grant me the best of this world and the next world.. grant me the best for the eternal hereafter..

semoga ramadhan ini penuh bermakna buat diriku yang sering lupa.. ya Allah yang Maha Berkuasa.. sampaikanlah kami pada penghujung ramadhan.. temukanlah kami dengan lailatulqadar yang penuh rahmah dan barakah.. ya Allah.. mohon dengan sangat..

i was super-duper frustrated with my MicroP quiz the lecturer made some 'communication' mistakes in question 2 and 3 (4/10 marks) but 'covered' it all up by manipulating statements, causing me to lose that 4 marks. i mean, the questions were simple calculations but the terms used were confusing! seriously! ugh! and it's like, maybe, about 1.2 marks out of this 3 credit subject!!! and i'm not sure if i get the remaining 60% perfectly correct. is it worth not attending the memorandum submission to the UN? T__T *sobs*sobs* i wrote on a paper telling my lecturer i want to get the h**l out of the class, and i left, in the middle of the lecture. i mean, of course, politely, and he actually didn't even read what i wrote. he knew that paper means i wanted to leave. i rushed to pick up some karisma-international guys, but strayed onto the wrong road from gombak (on the way to sentol!). i made a rough, illegal U-turn, but by the time we were back on MRR2, Kak Dijah ca...

hwaaarrgggghhh!!! huhuhu... i'm soOoOo !!!3#^+@(-$#*!@)*-8 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it means angry + furious + disappointed + stressed out + !!!3#^+@(-$#*!@)*-8 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean, i was planning and SUPPOSED TO join the memorandum submission (on Nakbah - 60 years of Israeli occupation on Palestine) to the UN office tomorrow at 10 a.m. , but my Microprocessor lecturer decided to have an extra class tomorrow at 10 a.m. and woRst-- there's another QUIZ! and he even make up the quizzes as he likes! O__o" for the past 3 weeks, the first quiz question - during the first 20 minutes of the first class! - was some simple calculus - that was acceptable.. then the second quiz - there wasn't any question related to what we learn in the previous class the third quiz - he decided to do an adhock quiz on the topic we learn that day and the quiz this morning - everything but none on our reading assignment uh-uhh!! can you just imagine how much stress is now accumulated inside m...

"Once upon a time, you were all so very small, so very fragile and so in need of attention. Once upon a time, business was just growing, expansion wasn't really happening and life was just moving. At this point of time, success breeds success and children have grown considerably bigger, more capable of managing their own lives with their own resources. Worry less about Umi or Abah not being around to care for you, worry more that you wouldn't be around to care for Umi and Abah now and in the later years. For it should not be of how much they love us but of how much we love them." i think, taking a step into a whole new life is not walking on a new path, but it's more of walking on a wider road instead. more things to think of, more challenges and tests by Allah. but it's still the same road that we walk on since we were born - whether we want to crawl, walk or run, never ever forget to do one thing: LOVE AND CARE for our parents. allhumma ighfirlana zunubana ...

making too much mistakes just make you prone to making more mistakes and not feeling very, very guilty about them never mind my english. do you agree? i mean, umm.. i don't know if you guys understand this. because i don't know who else in this whole wide world make mistakes as often as i do T__T someone just told me this afternoon, it's okay to make mistakes. i agree! and of course, learn from those mistakes.. yes, it's easy to learn, but it's certainly not easy to change the way you do things everyday.. me & carelessness --> still awfully inseperable ** because I just did another mistake!! **

emosi sangat tidak stabil minda terlalu berserabut sangat marah tapi tak berdaya melakukan apa-apa walaupun menulis sebaris ayat untuk selamatkan mereka di Palestin dari terus ditindas kenapa terus duduk membaca, menatap dan mendengar mengetap bibir mencengkam tapak tangan dengan kuku tapi hanya mampu menangis dan berdoa semoga Allah menganjari mereka yang berjuang keranaNya dengan syurgaNya... semoga Allah menghukum kuffar laknatullah dengan hukuman yang sangat sangat berat! hukuman yang sangat sangat sangat berat!! " mereka akan dicampakkan ke dalam Neraka, di mana mereka tidak akan mati dan tidak pula hidup " Qur'an: al-A'la