MDD - Major Depressive Disorder

22nd June 2020

I was breaking and nearly stopped functioning. I was trembling and my heart was beating so fast. Breathless and panicking.

I knew something was not right in me. And this was not the first time in the past few months. I grabbed all purple and pink essential oils on my rack - Lavender, Harmony, Release, Transformation, Motivation, Grounding, Joy. Tonyoh dan deep inhale semua. I desperately needed to get out of this situation. I needed different environment.

But I couldn't go far. In fact, I have nowhere to go.

So I drove to a nearby coffee shop and sat there for many many hours.

Suddenly, I finally gathered up the courage to get more help. Called a doctor friend and went to get a a referral letter to get 'treatment'.

15th July 2020...

Diagnosed with MDD - Major Depressive Disorder.

While I acknowledge this sh*t, I am not proud of it. Macam jadi trend pulak anak-anak muda zaman sekarang jadi stress. While I wish people around me know what I am going through 'inside', a part of me is not ready to face the fact that there will be people who will not understand and will just think that "it's all inside your head".

I got some prescriptions. I haven't taken them yet bcoz I'm afraid of the side effects bcoz I feel like I don't have any back up if anything goes wrong. But there are days, like today, where I feel like starting to take them to at least feel a little bit calmer.

I've been seeing a counselor and clinical psychologist for nearly 2 years. They help me feel better, rationalize my thoughts and actions. Yet the same stressful cycle is repeating over and over again. And maybe bcoz of that uncertain dark future, I slowly fall into depression.

I slowly realize that I couldn't cry when I am angry or sad. I lash out and snap and raise my voice. I hit, although moments later I would regret it. I only cry when I get to talk to someone about what has been happening.

Looking back to the past 5 years...

Every counselor and psychologist and anyone who knew my condition will tell me to take care of myself first before worrying about what will happen to my kids.

I'm tired... I'm so tired... But I'm stuck, I'm not looking forward to any possible future, and at the same time I'm afraid of getting into a different trouble even if I could escape from this one now.

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OK bye. Serabut tak ke mana ni. Stop stop.