Earlier this afternoon, a student greeted me and asked, "Teacher, Teacher ada blog kan?". I answered yes. And she said with a big grin, "Mak saya selalu tengok blog teacher.."
A big "OOOOPS..." slipped out of my mouth.
But thinking about it, I don't think there's anything to hide I guess. Of course parents would like to know what kind of teachers their students have in school, because other than parents themselves, teachers too play a huge role in being examplary to the students - which is definitely not easy.
Anyway, today, I'm back again at the spot i was in about 5 months ago - preparing for students' report card pick-up - the point where I can barely move on with my pace because others are stuck with their work. However, this time, I'm truly grateful to Allah for he blessed me with a very cool, awesome, experienced and wise colleague. Subhanallah walhamdulillah wallahuakbar!
Now I'm blogging in my car. I stepped out of office more than half an hour ago but I'm bringing with me all the stress and disappointment. I'm still trying to take it out of me and leave it behind so that I can smile widely when I reach home, but it seems not the be that easy...
So how am I supposed to go about it? Any suggestions?
Again, it's been quite a while since I last blogged. I guess there are very few who still visit this blog but I'll continue to write nevertheless, because this blog is to acknowledge the past and maybe write out some plans for the future.
Anyways, Ikram's 1 year and a half now, and he's being so talkative. He has countless of vocabs now, alhamdulillah, although he still cannot pronounce many words correctly. We'll just wait, inshaAllah :)
Just for the record, I posted this on my FB yesteday:
Ikram just sneezed and he said "a-dillah". After a split second, just realizing something, I turned to him and said "yarhamukallah!" with a surprised face. He then smiled widely! Alhamdulillah.
I hope I can hear him recite his do'a before meals soon :)
Anyways, tomorrow is my beloved hubby's birthday. 13th September. I have so much to say about him, but now I can just say that he has been so great. A great husband, a great friend, a great dad, a great - everything. I couldn't have become what I am today without him.
Thinking back about the past, there was one thing in me that he managed to change: liking sushi. I used to dislike sushi like anything, I couldn't even swallow the rice, let alone eat seaweeds (I still cannot eat seaweed on its own now).. One day after a couple of months getting married, Mujahid asked me to go out and eat sushi with him. I remembered it was in Batu Pahat Mall, his kampung. I hesitated at first but then agreed to just accompany him. Then I ended up tasting, and liking, and eating a lot of sushi! now I'm a hantu of sushi, and it must be with wasabe! I cannot take a lot of it but I still like it - wasabe. Eating sushi without wasabe is definitely not eating sushi.
Hehehe.. Tikki will definitely disagree to this.
BTW, Ikram likes spaghetti bolognese a lot. He's not a fan of cheese, just like I am. He looks a lot like his father, but I think he has my tastebuds :P
"Our responsibilities exceed the time that we have. So spend our time wisely..."
Al-Syahid Imam Hasan Al-Banna
2010 might just be another year to many people, but to me it was a year that tested everything in me – my capability, strength, patience and so much more. Juggling responsibilities of a wife, a daughter, an engineering student and a da’ie had occupied every day of life since I got married in October 2008. I attended lectures and lab sessions during the day and sat down in usrahs and Islamic lectures during the night. Weekends are occupied with programs and organizational meetings. Time between those activities are spent with family, and helping my husband with his part-time business.
Alhamdulillah, on 12th April 2010, Allah has blessed me and my husband with an adorable son. Another super huge responsibility now hangs upon my shoulders – to ensure the well-being of the baby and to provide everything he needs emotionally, mentally, physically and even spiritually. I knew it would not be easy. I have known people who perform better academically after having their own family but also those who had to take a break from study. I have known people who continue being active in da’wah after having a baby, but also some who get stuck somewhere and does not turn up for meetings and programs anymore. They were not easy to be dealt with, but Alhamdulillah I believe He has prepared me to multitask ever since my schooling years in ADNI.
10 years in ADNI and my parents had taught me that life is not just about being excellent academically or getting a good job. Nor is it merely about leading a happy life or having a wonderful family. There are greater things we need to do in this life, something that our beloved Prophet (s.a.w.) do throughout his life as the messenger of Allah – calling people to Islam and making Islam the way of life and civilization.
Many people asked me: How do you juggle things up, being married and studying, and now having a baby? What does it take for you to continue being active in da’wah despite having many other things to tend to?
My answer is simple: I have a clear vision of what I want in this life and in the life after I die, and the determination to make things happen.
My nearest target is to graduate, and Alhamdulillah, I am happy to say that the academic result for my final semester – where I took few subjects, completed my final year project and looked after my baby – was the best result throughout my years studying engineering. Nevertheless, whether I am studying or whatever job I am doing, I hope and I pray that Allah will continuously guide me and let me walk on the path of da’wah.
Of course there are ups and downs in life, times when I get very sick, too lazy or stressed out. That is why having a supportive and understanding spouse is very important. I am currently living with my family and they too play a big role in helping me manage daily chores. However, the utmost important thing is to have faith and believe – tawakkal – in Allah and His plans for each and every one of us.
that day when i couldn't get up due to migraine attack, my mom brought me to see a new doctor, a specialist in this blood thing - radiofrequency or something, i don't really remember because i was walking around like zombie during my visit there. i went there three times in july and august.
during my first visit, the doctor had a general check-up on me and found that my right eye was trembling. so he scheduled me for an MRI. although i had it once when i was about 16. so i went for an MRI, which costs me my mom actually RM950! i had the results only on my third visit, and alhamdulillah there was nothing wrong in my brain. at least nothing visible to the naked eye via MRI.
so the doctor diagnose my headache as migraine. to my disappointment, it seems like he doesn't have any interest in dealing with migraines. the doctor prescribed sibelium for me, but it doesn't help me much - actually, since my first visit i've never had any day free from headache. it's either pale, plain and very mild headache, or throbbing and stabbing until i feel numbness and nausea.
so, that's the end of the story. i don't have to see the doctor anymore, and i don't want to, because he doesn't seem to have any interest in dealing with the headache i have.
I was down and depressed, exhausted and wondering --- How in the world could I possibly be a good mother???
I was not talking about being a GREAT mom, but simply a GOOD mom.
And Allah had answered my question immediately.
Ikram is now over 1 year and 3 months old, and I still have the feeling of not being able to adjust my whole life to become a mother to a child. To give the fullest and not to expect getting something in return is really difficult. Every day I wonder if I am giving my child all the attention he needs, or am I pampering him and spoiling him too much? I wonder if I should do all the daily chores with him - feeding, bathing, etc - or is it okay to let the maid help out with that from time to time?
After a week of high fever (not including fever during the previous week and the week before) and what sounds like a very bad cough, Mujahid and I decided to bring Ikram to the hospital. It was midnight. We went to get a referral from a clinic nearby our house and went to the A&E section in Hospital Ampang. At 4 a.m. the doctor decided that Ikram should be warded, most probably due to pneumonia / lung infection.
I don't think I have any choice. I wanted to cry. Not because of feeling pity towards my son - I think it would be best for him that way - but I dread having to stay in the hospital. I just don't have the confidence to be strong. Last year, I cried every time I see my son lying on the hospital bed.
But we went through it this time. No tears dropping down my cheeks.
Allah had granted me 5 days to be with my son, re-create and strengthen the bond between us which might be getting loose as I get more and more busy with work for the past couple of months. Those 5 days demanded a lot of energy from me. Loving someone wasn't tiring, but caring for someone did drain out the little energy I have in me. The sleepless days and nights and the time when you just have to wait for another hour before you could actually go to the bathroom or have a cup of hot drink just because he doesn't want you to leave the cot - and you dare not as you know he could climb the cot sides and fall off.
Actually, he did fell off once this time. I actually try not forget the fact that he can climb over things as high as his waist. But one morning I was trying to fold the rest chair I was using to sleep during the night, I was doing it with one hand and my other hand was holding his arm, but the chair got stuck. Naturally I tried to use both hands and I guess Ikram instantaneously wanted to 'help' me, he climbed over, and fell on the floor. Maybe 1.5 meters high. ***cries*** but alhamdulillah hopefully there's nothing serious... After that I made it a point not to use the rest chair anymore, but just sleep with him in the cot, never to mind my comfort.
28th July 2011
It's sad that I have to learn things this way, through this kind of test. I did not like it when people try to remind me of how unfortunate many others are compared to me. When simple reminders couldn't work on me, I guess that's when Allah decided that I should be taught in a more harsh way...
Now the lung infection hasn't gone fully gone off. There is still very minimal 'crabs' sound at the lower right side of Ikram lungs, but the doctor said hopefully with the antibiotics it will go off. Many suggested to me that it would be better if Ikram can stay in the hospital until he fully recovers. I would like that too, but I don't think I can handle that and keep work aside for such a long time. It might take a week, or several weeks for his lungs to clear. Plus, my head had started throbbing a little and I would definitely not plan to let it be. Things would definitely get harder for me and maybe for others if I am not able to get up.
Hopefully Ikram will recover soon, and Mujahid's fever will go away, and my headache will disappear, inshaAllah. If Allah Wills. Only He can give us health.
Ya Allah, please shower your blessings on my family...
That reminds me, Ramadhan is now so near but I haven't prepared myself for it... ***cries***
It has been such a hectic week and I'm now taking a pause, for the third time I guess, because it seems to be impractical to proceed on my own pace while others are stuck behind unable to meet their deadlines. The feeling is truly not a good one :( so here I am, blogging...
I think it's already a month since I started working in Adni. I'm not teaching yet, well, not formally. I've been doing administrative stuff, which are not even close to computer or electronics engineering. Well, bits and pieces of things I do are related to computers and electronics, but not the engineering part.
People always ask me if this is really the thing I wanted to do, and if so why did I ever get myself into the trouble of studying engineering. Well, it's surely going to be a long explanation, but I guess in simple words I would say: It's the process of learning that makes one a person, regardless of the subject major. Well, actually it counts but it's not a very big deal. I had challenged myself to get a degree in engineering and inshaAllah I'm proud to say that I have managed to do so, even though not in flying colours compared to my other siblings.
Oh yes, FYI, my status in IIUM is now GR - Graduated! :D:D:D:D:D I can't wait for the convocation ceremony in October and share my happiness with my parents and beloved hubby and kid. Oh, subhanallah, I can't stop smiling when I think about it :)
*I don't know why but I keep thinking about Kak Maziah while writing this. I guess she was a part of the motivation that keeps me going in obtaining the degree. I once wore her masters convocation robe, and that inspires me! Actually I've never been to anyone else's convocation, not even my siblings :P so Kak Maziah, walaupun Nela jarang2 contact Kak Maziah tapi Nela ingat Kak Maziah tau~ hehehe*
Picture with Kak Maziah in Jordan, 2006
Time pinjam jubah convo Kak Maziah hehehe~ 2 stripes lagi!
Anyway, back to the hectic week. I've been dealing with some parents recently, because the TaeKwon-Do grading session is coming up tomorrow, and I've been scolded and yelled at twice, and another time on text. Oh it's so dreadful. But I'm just going to look forward and smile because I know things that happened were not my fault, and I will try to make things look better. InshaAllah. Allah knows best!
Wowee... I've written a long one here. Ikram's sleeping at home and I'm in Adni. Yesterday I went back home late and I could say that he's quite upset with me, maybe because I didn't put him to sleep. Usually if I go home late he will wake up few times in the middle of the night and cry and I have to hug him and gently talk to him until he goes back to sleep... Such a clever little boy :)
My first experience being an English teacher was just AWESOME.
Initially I hesitated as my English is not very good compared to many of my friends, and I've never really taught students properly.. Yeah I've coached TaeKwon-Do since I was 13-14 but the idea of teaching English is totally different. Teaching others something you're not really good at... And teaching Thai students with differnet levels of English... umphh... but I agreed to do it, nevertheless, plus it's only for a month.. It's a good thing that I teamed up with Mubina **credits to her!** so teaching and 'organizing' the English camp was great---even though I got attacked with fever, flu & migraine throughout the camp.
So as I said, it was a great experience. Love my students :D:D:D:D:D each of them have their own way of learning and expressing things.
here's a picture of us taken during our trip to Genting Highlands
standing from left: me - amnan - nasran - sofron - ammal - anas - nafees - mubina - busrin
sitting from left: ibtisam - amney - padilah - sofia - mada
"your boss might understand you because they're your dad and brother, but not all your colleagues will feel the same way"
my dad suggests that it would be best for me to work on my own, i.e. have my own company or something because if i'm stuck not being able to do anything for one day then i won't be holding anyone back with their work..
alhamdulillah, it's great that i have the choice and inshaAllah ability to decide my career path. many other migraineurs are stuck with bosses and colleagues and even family members who does not understand their pain!
1 month passed since I started my industrial training, and I tell you, it’s really cracking my brain out. But very fortunately and Alhamdulillah, I’ve only get two days of migraine attacks since then. My boss (my elder brother actually) told me to get a medical leave slip a.k.a. mc for myself, but I had to tell him that I never get mc’s for having migraines. It’s either I cannot afford to get up to see a doctor, or the doctor would simply give me painkillers with assumption that the migraine will go away and thus no mc is needed.
What a pity to migraine sufferers, isn’t it???
Anyways, I am right now doing my industrial training in Kapar, Kelang, which is waaay far from home. It’s a good thing that I do not have to drive :) FYI, I actually planned to do my industrial training somewhere near home but my brother insisted that I should help on some project in Dad’s factory… so here I am, having practically FOUR supervisors looking after my progress. Apart from working on java programming for the factory management system – which I never learnt in IIUM! , I’m assigned to do some tasks from Purchasing Department. The part I think I would hate most is to deal with suppliers – will start on that soon. Ughh… I’ve been working with machines and processors for years, so you know how awkward I feel.
Working far from home – like 1 hour drive away – means I go home late. Kesian Ikram. He sleeps quite early, like 8.30 or 9 p.m. so Mujahid and I only have a couple of hours to play with him, if we don’t have to attend programs during the night. If we have to, the little boy will come with us.
Oh that little boy is growing up well, and he’s super active! He just turned 9 months and now likes to climb up the stairs or stand up while holding onto something/someone. He wants to run if we try to teach him to stand or walk. He won’t sit still for a minute in the car, especially when I am in the car! It’s really hard for me to drive and not having him cry in the car seat, especially at night. All the way I would have to sing for him and make some hand movements to distract him.
That is Mama’s precious little boy!
Baba have been abroad for nearly 5 days already, and he’s coming back tomorrow. Ikram just know that he’s not home. He was behaving well and sleeping soundly at night for the first few days, only calling out for Baba few times when he was playing or before going to sleep. But last night he cried with his eyes still closed, “babababa…”, just like when Baba got warded for a week last month… He was crying every night and wanted to stick with me all the time. This time we told him few days before Baba flew off and it seems like he understands. But maybe now he’s already missing Baba badly so he starts crying…
Oh Ikram, I wish I could spend more time with you. But Allah knows best and He has the best plans for us ^__^