Epilog Pejuang

  they are the source of light at the end of my dark tunnel i will cling onto them i can only hope and pray  that they will not suffocate or get hurt because of me

  If only words could describe how chaotic I am feeling inside these past few weeks. This partial lockdown which has been going on for a month now is really pulling me down and down deep into that unknown darkness. It's so difficult to fall asleep but at the same time I just feel like staying in bed all the time. Tasks that previously needed only a couple of hours to be completed are now left untouched for days, weeks and a couple of them even months.

   i never thought even a broken friendship could be so painful. when years of friendship gets destroyed in an instant, in just a few words, because of ego, selfishness and self-centered mind. when years of friendship turns to be worthless and not appreciated. when years of friendship gets responded with a sarcastic insult. if there's a chance to let things out and talk about it, i think i would. but now, it's just too painful that i don't want to talk about it. i'm just not ready because i know with you - you will want to win and be right about what you think, and everything else does not matter. not even friendship matters. because that was how you previously treat other people in your life. and now it's me.

I can't remember the first time my parents brought me overseas, but I am thankful for the experience, alhamdulillah. Before 2002 - Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand 2004 - Turkey & Emirates 2006 - Jordan, Syria, Lubnan 2008 - United Kingdom between these years there were several trips to Indonesia. 2014 - Saudi Arabia (Umrah) 2016 - South Korea 2018 - Japan 2020 - New Zealand Alhamdulillah

throwback October 2019. graduated master in education with CGPA 3.892 and passed my thesis without correction. i miss studying. but i don't think i can take it up now. phd wait for me. i hope it will not be too late later

22nd June 2020 I was breaking and nearly stopped functioning. I was trembling and my heart was beating so fast. Breathless and panicking. I knew something was not right in me. And this was not the first time in the past few months. I grabbed all purple and pink essential oils on my rack - Lavender, Harmony, Release, Transformation, Motivation, Grounding, Joy. Tonyoh dan deep inhale semua. I desperately needed to get out of this situation. I needed different environment. But I couldn't go far. In fact, I have nowhere to go. So I drove to a nearby coffee shop and sat there for many many hours. Suddenly, I finally gathered up the courage to get more help. Called a doctor friend and went to get a a referral letter to get 'treatment'. 15th July 2020... Diagnosed with MDD - Major Depressive Disorder. While I acknowledge this sh*t, I am not proud of it. Macam jadi trend pulak anak-anak muda zaman sekarang jadi stress. While I wish people around me know what I am going through ...

Bread pudding recipe (For 1 long loaf of bread) [1] Buttered bread: - 1 long loaf of bread (cut into squares) - butter (to spread on bread) - [later] cinnamon powder - raisins (optional) [2] Bread pudding mixture: Mix all in a bowl... - 2 cans evaporated milk - 2 eggs - 2 cups sugar - 1 tsp vanilla extract Steps: 1. Pre-heat oven to 180 degrees celcius 2. Arrange buttered bread [1] in glass container 3.  Sprinkle c innamon powder & a h andful of raisins  (optional) 4. Soak & compact press bread 5. Bake for 30 - 40 minutes (until golden brown) [3]  Custard sauce: - 2 cans evaporated milk - 4 tbsp custard powder - 4 tbsp sugar - 1 tsp vanilla extract - Pandan leaf (to make it smell nicer) Steps: 1. Pour half can of evaporated milk into a cup/bowl 2. Mix with custard powder and sugar  3. Pour remaining evaporated milk, custard mixture, vanilla extract and pandan leaf  into a small non-stick pot and put on slow fire . Continuously stir .  Caution: ...

TAMING THE MIGRAINE MONSTER. 24 years of migraine, and hopefully it stops HERE. My earliest memories of suffering throbbing, painful headaches was when I was 11. But a diary which I used to write in for English lessons was an evidence that the series of headaches had started since I was 9. I've been wondering how I survived being so active in sports, but slept throughout my classes in school. I'm sure my teachers still remember my sleeping-not-beauty attitude (huhu!)... My only guess was that sports promotes blood flow to my head, that's why I loved it so much. At 15, I started having terrible backpains. Yet I still go for TaeKwon-Do tournaments, horseback riding, archery, netball and few other sports. I started visiting the hospital for series of x-rays and CT-scans and MRIs. I had scoliosis and started attending physio sessions weekly. But TaeKwon-Do and horseback riding was still a weekly thing for me. I started taking migraine prescriptions when I was 16...

If only I could scream my heart out...  If only I could let the world know how much it hurts to keep on going like this... I only I could simply make decisions without worrying about the consequences... If only I could put myself and my own interests first... If only I could pull myself up and leave all this mess...