I was down and depressed, exhausted and wondering --- How in the world could I possibly be a good mother???
I was not talking about being a GREAT mom, but simply a GOOD mom.
And Allah had answered my question immediately.
Ikram is now over 1 year and 3 months old, and I still have the feeling of not being able to adjust my whole life to become a mother to a child. To give the fullest and not to expect getting something in return is really difficult. Every day I wonder if I am giving my child all the attention he needs, or am I pampering him and spoiling him too much? I wonder if I should do all the daily chores with him - feeding, bathing, etc - or is it okay to let the maid help out with that from time to time?
After a week of high fever (not including fever during the previous week and the week before) and what sounds like a very bad cough, Mujahid and I decided to bring Ikram to the hospital. It was midnight. We went to get a referral from a clinic nearby our house and went to the A&E section in Hospital Ampang. At 4 a.m. the doctor decided that Ikram should be warded, most probably due to pneumonia / lung infection.
I don't think I have any choice. I wanted to cry. Not because of feeling pity towards my son - I think it would be best for him that way - but I dread having to stay in the hospital. I just don't have the confidence to be strong. Last year, I cried every time I see my son lying on the hospital bed.
But we went through it this time. No tears dropping down my cheeks.
Allah had granted me 5 days to be with my son, re-create and strengthen the bond between us which might be getting loose as I get more and more busy with work for the past couple of months. Those 5 days demanded a lot of energy from me. Loving someone wasn't tiring, but caring for someone did drain out the little energy I have in me. The sleepless days and nights and the time when you just have to wait for another hour before you could actually go to the bathroom or have a cup of hot drink just because he doesn't want you to leave the cot - and you dare not as you know he could climb the cot sides and fall off.
Actually, he did fell off once this time. I actually try not forget the fact that he can climb over things as high as his waist. But one morning I was trying to fold the rest chair I was using to sleep during the night, I was doing it with one hand and my other hand was holding his arm, but the chair got stuck. Naturally I tried to use both hands and I guess Ikram instantaneously wanted to 'help' me, he climbed over, and fell on the floor. Maybe 1.5 meters high. ***cries*** but alhamdulillah hopefully there's nothing serious... After that I made it a point not to use the rest chair anymore, but just sleep with him in the cot, never to mind my comfort.
28th July 2011
It's sad that I have to learn things this way, through this kind of test. I did not like it when people try to remind me of how unfortunate many others are compared to me. When simple reminders couldn't work on me, I guess that's when Allah decided that I should be taught in a more harsh way...
Now the lung infection hasn't gone fully gone off. There is still very minimal 'crabs' sound at the lower right side of Ikram lungs, but the doctor said hopefully with the antibiotics it will go off. Many suggested to me that it would be better if Ikram can stay in the hospital until he fully recovers. I would like that too, but I don't think I can handle that and keep work aside for such a long time. It might take a week, or several weeks for his lungs to clear. Plus, my head had started throbbing a little and I would definitely not plan to let it be. Things would definitely get harder for me and maybe for others if I am not able to get up.
Hopefully Ikram will recover soon, and Mujahid's fever will go away, and my headache will disappear, inshaAllah. If Allah Wills. Only He can give us health.
Ya Allah, please shower your blessings on my family...
That reminds me, Ramadhan is now so near but I haven't prepared myself for it... ***cries***